It hurts. It hurts so much to see you in this state. What has happened to us? I'm just so tired with everything that has happened so far. But no matter how tired I still don't want to let go.. I really don't want to lose you. Words can't describe how much I love you and how much I want to be with you. With the stress of the fucking A-level's once more and the current state we are in now I really have no motivation to study at all. What is wrong with me.. What is wrong with this world.. Why do I have to be like that.. Things aren't as simple as it used to be anymore. I really hope things revert back to normal, like the past where there is only me and you against the world. Cheesy as it sounds but that's my only wish right now.

Hearing you say 'I care about him more' felt like a dagger stabbing through my heart repeatedly at every syllable when it's being read through in my mind. I'm at a lost right now.. What should I do? You said you cared about both of us but do you really have feelings for both of us? And if you do what next? You said you feel more comfortable with me but yet you cant bear for him to leave. So what's next? What are you going to do? What should I do? Questions keep flooding my mind but there isn't a solution. When you are out with my you hide it from him, what does this mean? Why are you so afraid of telling him? Why not just once, just this once tell him you are you with me, tell him you feel more comfortable with me tell him you think it won't work out with him as one day you will not be able to tolerate him why not tell him maybe you just cared about him and that it isn't like or love but maybe it's care. Why... everyday my heart aches knowing that one day I might lose you. No one can replace you. You said that no matter what happens you will always be in my heart. Yes you will but that's my heart that because I love you. But will I be always in your heart? Because of our situation, there is a distance between us. But there isn't a distance between you and him. What if you grow fonder of him with each passing day? What if his actions start to touch you deeply? Those things which i can do but due to my current situation, restricting me. What should I do then? I feel so lost, so confused.. Crying everyday. Crying every time I think of what has happened, knowing that I was the root cause of all this. Not treasuring you, neglecting you. Why am I like this? Why can't I just treasure the things that I have and not start to realize it when I am on the verge of losing it... If, if I really lose you..I am really not sure what I would do to myself.. I feel like screaming.. the inside of my feels like its burning everyday. I am willing to do anything to keep you to have you loving me once again and love me and only me.. not any other guy.. Knowing that when you meet him in school, I feel the same as him, will you have a change of heart? Will you suddenly accept him? Will the things he do and say to you make you go for him instead? Will I lose you??? Every CCA day, I'm worried, when you send him home, will he say things to you? Will you both spend some time together and slowly develop stronger feelings? What happens if you do?? What about me? You said that he feels the same way when you meet me but how often do we get to meet each other? 2 times a week at most? So who's worst?? Every single week there is a confirmation of at least 3 times a week you get to see him but there isn't a confirmation on how many times you get to see my a week.. I know it's selfish to force you to meet up with me but I really need this.. What if we don't see each other as often and the feelings you have for me slowly diminishes? What will I do then? What will happen to us? I really need someone to talk to but there isn't anyone that can help or should I say I should not tell this to anyone.. This is the only place I can blurt it out.. I'm on the verge of insanity.. Please.. Someone help me..

When someone says he loves you, does he really meant it? Is he willing to sacrifice for you? Or does he just treat you as company when he needs it and when he doesn't he don't think of you at all. Will he stay up till the dead of the night just to make sure you are alright or he would rather sleep? Does he wants to talk to you infinitely until one of you dozeses off you he would just sleep when he's tired. Does he matter that you are the last person he talk to before he goes into temporal death and when he is revived are you the first person in his mind? Is he worried about you all the time or does he only worry when you have a problem? Does he make sacrifices just to see you smile? Or he just does nothing and claims he love you. If all these can be answered with an honest heart and mind, then you'll know if he really loves you.

It seems like what we once had will never recover. My place in your heart has been vacated. A new owner now lives within. I'll watch you slowly attach yourself to him. After you leave, then i'll leave this world in peace knowing that you've found what your heart desires.


-i'm dead inside, only a matter of time before the process is complete-

The story of my life will end here. After all you've never thought of reconciliation. Feeling free was good. It's ok. I get it now. I'll go. After all I'm a burden to everyone. Good bye. This time when I walk out, I won't be back. Ever.

Well it has been a long time since i've posted and I've got lots to say but no one to turn to. Many things has happened form the last post till now, both good and bad. Well for starters I would say I fucked up. Oh well, aren't we all similar? We only learn to start treasuring what we once had only on the verge of losing it or have already lost it.

I've missed the good old times we spend together, all the memories we had forged. Its something I really treasure and keep dearly in my heart. I know i've not been the best person but I can swear there isn't anyone that I would rather go out with other than you. You're the only one I love, am loving and will ever love.

I swear on my life I will do anything to mend things. It will be like the past once again and it will be like that till the end of time.

-ciao-

You're more beautiful than this flower.

                                                                           

Finally 0000h has arrived and 23/10 ! Finally 17! Another year older! :) Nothing much to say await for the rest of the day to come! :)

~YAY~